So, it’s finally happened. You got down on one knee (or they did!) and you’ve pledged to spend your lives together. There’s so much to plan! Flowers, the church, the guest list…but wait. It’s important not to get so caught up in the wedding planning that you forget about the marriage planning. In this piece, Christian author Andrew Hess discusses 19 of the most vital questions to ask before marriage, questions that will make sure your wedding day is the start of a solid marriage foundation.
Shortly after getting engaged, I was connecting with an old college buddy. He slid a card across the table and said, “Use this for a date night, but don’t talk about the wedding.” I smiled, but didn’t really understand his point. As our wedding day drew closer months later, I knew exactly what he meant. Every conversation my fiancée and I had centered around wedding details: things we had finished, things we still needed to finish, last minute decisions we needed to make … the list seemed never-ending. It was a fun season, but it was definitely a stressful season. We were both thankful for my friend’s gift and for a date night where the only rule was “no wedding talk!”
The Wedding Haze
Unfortunately, most couples fall into the engagement trap of focusing more on the details of the wedding than preparing for the marriage itself. The marriage is 1,000 times more important than the details of the wedding. It may not feel that way in the moment, but take time to make sure you are preparing for a lifetime of commitment rather than just one day of joy and fun.
Here are some prompts to help you and your future spouse cover the issues that will be vital to your marriage’s success.
19 Questions To Ask Before Marriage
3 Questions About Conflict
- Do we have a plan for conflict?
- What does it mean to fight fair?
- How do we each tend to respond to conflict?
Read more: How to Resolve Conflict In Your Relationship in 4 Steps
3 Questions About Faith
- Do we have a plan to pray and read the Bible together each day?
- What church will we be involved in?
- How will we pass on our faith to our children?
Read more: Faith and Relationships: One Heart That Beats For Two People
4 Questions About Money
- Do we have a budget?
- Who is going to handle the finances?
- How much savings are we going to have?
- How do we feel about debt?
Read more: Expert Insights: Talking About Money In A Relationship
4 Questions About Family
- How much time will we spend with family?
- How will we handle the holidays?
- Where will we live?
- Do we want children? When?
Read more: Who Comes First in Marriage: Your Spouse or Immediate Family?
5 Questions About Expectations
- What does a healthy marriage look like?
- How much alone time to we both need?
- How often will we go on dates?
- How often will we make love?
- What do we each feel most insecure about heading into marriage?
Read more: Laying A Marriage Foundation To Build A Strong Relationship
Prepare For Marriage As A Team
Work through these questions as your wedding day approaches. They are also good questions if you are considering engagement. The more of these big areas you can discuss openly and honestly, the more prepared you’ll be to build a lifelong marriage.
It’s best for most couples to identify a mentor couple. This should be a pair whom you both respect and can talk through these questions with. Share any recurring disagreements you may be having and give them the freedom to speak frankly about what they observe in you. Many couples don’t want to hear the reasons they might not want to move forward, but there is wisdom to listening carefully when wise couples share their concerns.
Marriage is a wonderful, beautiful gift. With the right person, it has the potential to bring us as close to heaven as we can come in this life. But with the wrong person, it can bring us as close to hell. Therefore, we must prepare well, by asking these sort of hard questions before marriage, not after. Our future happiness is at stake.