Online dating puts romantic prospects at our fingertips in seconds. Text messages let us interact with the least amount of effort. And with today’s modern attitudes toward dating, we’re tempted to look to serve ourselves first before thinking of the needs of others. All these factors have led to a sharp decrease in the idea of “courtship” as opposed to dating. In fact, many young singles today don’t even know there’s a difference between the two. Here’s a quick courting vs dating refresher to help you decide which one is your right path to the person you’re meant to be with.
Courting vs Dating: It’s All About Intention
Courtship doesn’t start with a first date or even with an introduction by a mutual friend. It doesn’t start when you read someone’s values in their online profile. It doesn’t even start when you write your own profile. It actually starts much earlier than that, with each individual deciding on their intentions. While dating can be more casual in nature, courtship has a decidedly more serious goal in mind: marriage. So unless your goal is to ultimately make a commitment to marry, courtship is not for you.
Not all couples who court get married. However, they go into the relationship, hoping to find out if they are truly meant to be together forever. A big difference in the courting vs dating match up is that courting is not just dating, it’s dating with a purpose. You may ask what’s the purpose of dating, vs courting, below we go into the reasons behind both.
Understanding Courting
For a long while, courting has provided a way for devout Christians to learn about someone’s true dating intentions. This is the major difference between courting vs dating, and these intentions we’re speaking about deal directly with God’s plan rather than Earthly desires or superficial qualities that ultimately hold no significance in His Kingdom.
Defining Courting
Not only is courting a more formal way of selecting a genuine life partner, but it also commonly involves each individual’s family as a part of the process. Traditionally, this was in accordance with the relationships that families had built with others in their local vicinity, and parents usually agreed when they felt offspring were properly suited for each other — by God’s ordained grace. Because the entire focus is on marriage, a deeper spiritual, emotional, and intellectual connection is being sought after, and evaluating someone’s character and values helps reveal their exact intentions. In this approach, scrutiny is encouraged.
Traditional Courting Etiquette
Some of the most notable aspects of traditional courting vs dating are the gender roles. Men are certainly expected to be the instigators when it comes to expressing interest, initiating contact, and ultimately seeking approval from both his and her family before proceeding any further. If a man’s parents agree a particular woman is the right fit, they will consult the woman’s family to see if her father agrees. If so, a formal introduction and chaperoned first date are the likely next steps.
Although the two parties may know each other already, courtship is an entirely separate endeavor altogether. Not only is it a man’s deliberate interest in a woman with the goal of marriage, but it’s also a coordinated display of romantic interest in the form of respect, modesty, and, most of all, faith.
Modern Takes on Courting
Many modern variations of courting still exist, including those who prefer to follow the traditional process just as it has been practiced for centuries. However, acceptable modifications have also been made, especially in contemporary society, where everyone is more interconnected than ever before. Formalities aren’t as stringent, and although men are still usually the ones expected to explore interest, it’s equally as common for women to put as much thought into the long-term viability of a relationship instead of allowing their parents to decide solely for them.
In a lot of ways, digital matchmaking apps almost act as a modern form of courting, especially when you’re reserving yourself to platforms with a Christian focus and members who prioritize their faith. In the modern world, where it can be hard to evaluate what anyone believes, it’s extremely reassuring to know you’re using a service in which people voluntarily join in hopes of finding a partner who holds God in as high an esteem as they do.
From this introduction forward, each person has the ability to approach the relationship with as much of a traditional or modern approach as they’d like, but concepts such as modesty or familial approval are not necessarily lost. The goal is more focused on meeting a Christian who upholds your particular set of beliefs and values.
Exploring Dating
When you think about the different ways you can meet Christian singles in your daily life, there are a few quintessential options most people think of — church, friends and family, work, or any establishment you frequent, such as the gym or grocery store. While meeting another devout Christian this way is certainly possible, you are, in fact, taking a bigger chance than relying on the connections suggested by your immediate community. Let’s analyze how dating varies from courtship.
Defining Dating
Modern dating is simply a time spent with your significant other to get to know them better and further evaluate your compatibility and long-term potential. Sure, some people date casually with no real expectations or plan of action, but most people, especially Christians, won’t even consider dating anyone whose beliefs and values don’t align with their own. This is because faith is always the most crucial component of any Christian’s life, so there’s no doubt that this is mandatory for a potential couple to agree upon. Once this is established, it’s up to the couple to spend time figuring out if their individual interests and future goals are similar since the end game is to not just grow together, but also in your Christian faith.
How Dating Compares to Courting
While courting has the final goal of marriage in mind from the beginning, dating is a lot more of a casual approach overall. Sometimes, dating is about exploring what you’re looking for in the first place since it can be hard to know what you’re hoping for in a partner without experiencing what dating different people is like. Dating also usually only ramps up once both people become comfortable and mutually interested in evaluating further potential, whereas courtship has sights set on settling down until there’s reason to do otherwise. In present times, many dating endeavors look quite different from one another, giving the couple the ability to express discernment themselves.
Modern Dating Practices
With the openness of modern society and the constant intermingling of people from different backgrounds, it’s not surprising that dating looks much different now than it did even 20 to 40 years ago, regardless of whether you’re a Christian or not. Today, people are much more casual about the idea of dating in general, and the idea of seeing more than one person at a time has even become a common way to really get a feel of how two prospects stack up with each other. While this isn’t the best practice for those who value God’s role in finding their future partner, online dating sites like Christian Mingle have made it possible for men and women of Christ to meet through a modern medium without losing their sight of God as their definitive guidance.
God’s Role In Courtship
While marriage is the end goal of courtship, it’s not the only factor in the equation. God plays a major role in Christian courtship. When couples court, their aim is not to find someone fun to be around and to whom they are attracted. Instead, they are seriously trying to discern whether the person they are courting fits into God’s path for their life or ask, does god pick your spouse for you? With Christian couples, courting is a way to re-frame the dating process as less about personal satisfaction and more about God’s will.
Courtship: It Takes More Than Two
Modern dating is focused squarely on the two people involved. But with courtship, it’s another story. If you decide to follow the path of courting (vs dating), other people will have a say in your relationship. In addition to thinking about God’s will for your life, you’ll also be taking into account the guidance of outside parties.
The most common outside parties in a courtship are the parents of each individual. Often, they are closely involved in the courtship process. They offer advice to their son or daughter. They spend lots of time interacting with the person their child is courting. And they offer support when they are in agreement about the potential marriage of the two people courting.
Besides parents, the couple may also include siblings, mentors, pastors, close friends, or other authority figures in their courtship. Having the support of those closest to them is an important part of courtship for Christian couples.
Religious Significance of Courting
At the end of the day, courting is complete with the sacred union of marriage, which is only achieved after there’s been sufficient interaction and verification that ethical, moral, and spiritual practices have been on display for family and friends to see. It’s from here that spiritual counsel, continued prayer, and traditional milestones are set and fulfilled on the road to a lasting, loving relationship. Here’s why this still plays such an integral role today.
Courting and Value Alignment
In more conservative circles, courting is the way friends and family are able to conclude if a Christian man and woman are right for one another under the supervision of God and their immediate peers. That’s because successful courtship means verifying your beliefs, values, lifestyle, and faith are in line in accordance to God’s wishes, and solidified by those overseeing the process. This allows for transparency, ease of communication, and reliable oversight to ensure the intentions are pure and everyone’s on the same page. If everyone’s happy throughout this process, you can begin to plan the inevitable marriage.
Intentions of Marriage in Courting
Part of courtship is ensuring your significant other that you’re mentally and physically healthy, financially responsible, ready to plan for your family’s future, and a whole lot more. Openly discussing these things with the intention of coming to a mutual conclusion is a must, and participating in counsel or mentorship will further showcase your commitment to feeling prepared to take this next huge step.
Types of Romantic Relationships
While some may see courting and dating in a different light after how they’ve been expressed in this article, the goal of both practices is to foster a romantic relationship with true compatibility. While all relationships have different results, let’s take a look at a few of the different dynamics that can exist.
Affection-Based Marriages
If you’re someone whose goal is continuously strengthening relationships, it’s most likely that you’re in pursuit of a naturally compatible partner with who you have a deep emotional connection. This will enhance your mutual respect, and you are much more likely to strive to grow continuously as a team rather than as individuals. Especially in your respective walks with God.
Transactional Relationships
On the other hand, an imbalanced relationship can often be seen as transactional, where one person is always carrying extra weight in a certain part of the relationship, whether it’s finances, chores at home, or time for intimacy. While these relationships can be viable, if circumstances are conflated or unclear before a commitment is made, it could result in a massive rift down the road.
Cultural Shifts
In a world that’s fully embraced the idea of online dating, the lines between courtships and dating have never been more blurred. While many people still adhere to these traditional practices in principle, it sure doesn’t look the same as it did before we all carried cell phones in our pockets. Today, much more of the discernment is up to the individual, which is a liberating concept, but it also requires more devout focus from spiritual individuals such as Christians.
Courting, Dating, and Temptations
The guidelines for physical relationships are varied with modern dating. Depending on the people involved, physical expectations can vary wildly.
That’s not the case with courtship. It’s assumed that the couple has decided to hold off on many forms of physical intimacy until reaching a decision about the future. Instead, they focus on forming a relationship based on honesty, openness, trust and emotional intimacy while looking to discern God’s will for their relationship. The physical side of the relationship develops only if they decide to make a commitment through marriage.
Traditional courtship isn’t the only way to find “the one.” However, many Christian couples have found that this process made it easier to decide whether they had found the right match. If modern dating hasn’t been working out for you, consider a traditional courtship to make sure you’re following God’s will for your romantic life.
You may also be interested in Dating With A Purpose: Why It’s Important To State Your Intentions From The Start
