No matter which stage in your life you find yourself dating, there often comes a point when you must consider whether or not you’re actually in love with the other person, or if you’re just in pursuit of lust in the heat of the moment. While everyone’s idea of love and lust can be quite different, there’s another level of context worth analyzing in the Christian worldview. This ultimately takes a look at the expectations in accordance with Holy texts, as stated in the Bible, and then the natural biological attractions that we may be prone to as human beings.
For the men and women who practice Christianity in any capacity, this blog will discuss the main differences between love vs. lust, and concentrate on how a faithful partner approaches building a meaningful connection that leads to a long-term relationship as opposed to being drawn to the allure of trivial, worldly desires that won’t satisfy you spiritually or practically.
Understanding Love vs. Lust
There are a few distinct differences that set love and lust apart from one another. Namely, that true love can only be established over time, while lust is more related to instant gratification than anything else. Lust is predominately a physical infatuation that overlooks any emotional connection at all, while love is a deliberate effort to form a selfless bond built on compassion and trust. This allows for a deeper level of intimacy that’s not exclusively focused on instinctual passion.
At the beginning of a relationship, your motivations and actions are clear indicators of your intentions, and for Christians, men who are considerate and methodical in their approach when courting a woman are more likely to showcase their desire for a serious, devoted relationship. Over time, while learning to navigate life’s ups and downs, you’ll develop a bond based on mutual respect that will eventually transform into an everlasting connection, which is the ultimate goal. When you agree to invest that same love into your faith in God as a couple, that’s when your relationship reaches the next level.
How Hormones Impact Lust and Love
As you might already have known, a large part of the misinterpretations between lust and love revolve around the organic human hormones that exist within us all. However, it’s learning about the nature of these hormones and how they impact your perception of a relationship, not only just in the moment, but as you get to know each other and develop that personal and spiritual connection.
When it comes to lust, both men and women are prone to chasing the dopamine that comes along with the excitement of a brand-new relationship. While this chemical pleasure can also be achieved from other life activities, it’s largely tied to physical attraction in these situations. The more predominant terms for these hormones are estrogen in regards to women, and testosterone for men. These biological responses are directly tied to lust, but can easily be withheld with patience and discipline.
For love, oxytocin is the hormone at the forefront since it comes during moments of embrace and security, whether it’s building trust or engaging in a hug. Serotonin is also a supplemental one because it has to do with feeling safe and comfortable in someone’s presence. This only comes by forming a connection over time, which then results in vasopressin, a hormone uniquely associated with long-term bonds, providing the capacity to handle complex situations.
Interestingly enough, another common hormone that is readily apparent in many relationships is cortisol, which directly has to do with the levels of both stress and excitement that come with searching for your ideal life partner.
Neurological Pathways Involved in Lust and Love
To dive into even greater scientific depth of the explanation behind these biological responses, it’s important to look at the various neuro-pathways that play a role in producing these hormones.
Lust is mostly derived from the hypothalamus, which is responsible for producing feelings of arousal, and the amygdala and nucleus accumbens tend to focus on immediate pleasure and reward rather than the emotional component of attraction.
When it comes to love, the prefrontal cortex is extremely vital in making calculated, intentional decisions as it pertains to a romantic partner. The ventral tegmental area is also a prominent source of dopamine that’s dependent on relationship components like commitment and reciprocated compassion to be triggered, meaning a developing bond will keep it active.
Over time, the cingulate cortex and insula also come to play a role in extended attachment as well as things like emotional resilience and empathy, showing you not only wish to support, but continue to encourage your significant other through thick and thin.
Even though both love and lust involve a rush of dopamine in some capacity, the widespread neurological impacts of an emotional connection resonate much more strongly than that of a fleeting, instinctive reaction based on physical attraction.
Understanding the Different Signs of Lust vs Love
Now that we’ve touched on the various scientific elements that occur during the feelings of lust and love, it’s time that we start addressing what these emotions look like in practice. Many of us experience a version of these moments every day, but sometimes, we hardly notice because our responses are instinctual and reactive. Here are some ways to be able to discern love from lust, according to a Harvard study.
Signs of Lust
- Focus on Appearance – Rather than focusing on getting to know someone personally, you’re increasingly drawn to them based mostly on their physical features.
- Desire for Physical Intimacy – You’re more prone to being and feeling close to someone rather than actually getting to know them for who they are first.
- Rushing to Date Without Building an Emotional Connection – You’re more interested in the idea of flaunting your partner for everyone to see instead of learning about them on a deeper level beforehand.
- Prioritizing Romantic Rush Over Bonding – You’re largely caught up in the emotions of becoming infatuated with someone, leading you to prioritize your public image for trivial reasons rather than establishing whether or not you have a viable connection that could potentially lead to a long-term relationship in the first place.
Signs of Love
- Interest in Developing a Deeper Bond – While some concern themselves with superficial qualities, those hoping for genuine love are looking to build a formidable relationship with a prospective partner, focusing on interests and ambitions over appearance.
- Empathy and Emotional Intimacy are On Display – Beyond just getting to know what someone is about, understanding their upbringing, lifestyle, struggles, and successes are all vulnerable topics that help you analyze if your beliefs and expectations actually align.
- Deep Conversations Based On Dreams and Interests – When you show you’re willing to have serious conversations about heavy topics and big goals, it proves you’re looking ahead to what a relationship with your partner might look like in the future, allowing them to realize you’re not just treating it as a fling.
- Long-Term Outlook – Having the mentality that you’re only pursuing a long-term relationship on the road to finding the right life partner demonstrates to your significant other that you’re committed to learning and growing as a couple and not rushing things or holding ultimatums against one another.
- Feeling of Belonging and Security – At the core of every healthy relationship is a balance of honesty, trust, and support, which, when combined, allow for two lovers to feel they can work as a pairing rather than having to compromise or feel hostility in stressful situations.
In addition to the signs listed above in relation to this topic, there are plenty of other ways to know God will protect you throughout the course of your dating journey.
Questions To Ask Yourself While Dating
The following are relevant questions one can ask themselves when contemplating whether their feelings are better categorized as feelings of lust or love.
- How long have you known your partner?
- What feelings overcome you when looking at your prospective match?
- How did you meet the other person?
- Which characteristic of your love interest first caught your attention?
- How do you feel when it comes to physical intimacy, like hugging?
- Are you allowed to be emotionally vulnerable with one another?
- What’s your favorite quality about your partner?
- How does your significant other respond if you’re upset?
- Does your partner introduce you to their extended connections?
- How does each person respond to compliments/small gestures?
- What are your preferred ideas for joint activities?
- Are you willing to trust your partner unconditionally?
Cultural Influences On Lust and Love
Without a doubt, there’s no mistaking the cultural influence that society has placed on both sides of this coin. While many Western cultures focus heavily on the importance of the happy, put-together family in modern times, there’s also an increasing acceptance to “follow your heart” and “put yourself out there,” even if it’s lustful experimentation on the road to finding what you’re truly looking for.
However, in the Christian framework, lust is outright frowned upon due to its lack of spiritual awareness and hasty approach. Instead, traditional values teach that Christians of all denominations, ages, and genders must take a calculated and thoughtful approach — recognizing they understand their own expectations and preferences in relation to spiritual beliefs, lifestyle, and future ambitions, even before they enter the dating pool. This level of maturity helps prove not only to family and friends that you’re prepared to find a life partner rather than engaging in a fling, but this is also something that will be readily apparent to your significant other, as well.
Differing Perceptions by Community
The fact of the matter is that modern media tends to conflate both love and lust as two inextricable components of modern romance when that just simply is not the case. Sure, idolizing “love at first sight” and “the honeymoon phase” looks great on the big screen, but it’s not a practical approach to finding a spouse that you’ll ultimately have a growing connection with. Instead, take valuable time to learn about one another and gauge if you feel the spark ignite as you spend more time together. And while it will likely take patience, you know your relationship is blossoming when your emotional capacity increases and strengthens to incorporate the other person’s wants and needs into your life, just as you would yourself.
In the context of Christianity, it’s safe to say that there are many varying opinions on marriage-minded dating as a spiritual practice. More modern, liberal forms of the religion look away and don’t acknowledge the pitfalls of lust as a trial and error method, while conservative denominations continue to orchestrate arranged marriages where and when they deem it necessary. Ultimately, traditional values and personal freedom will likely prevail on a case-by-case basis, but it’s important to have deeper and more serious discussions when the prospect of marriage is on the line.
Love cannot persist without a mutual intention to show compassion, empathy, and respect for one another, and if that doesn’t extend beyond the individuals and into the family and respective community you’re hoping to marry into, there may become unforeseen issues you hadn’t anticipated. This is precisely why developing a strong emotional connection is so critical.
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