Speak Her Language: Tips For Communicating With Your Wife

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I overheard Pam talking with a group of ladies in an online training session the other day. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but she was so enthusiastic and animated I couldn’t resist. I started to snicker when I heard her say, “This week, let’s all make a personalized snack bag to carry healthy snacks. That way we can resist choices that are not good for us when we are busy. Take your time and make it special, because everyone of you is very special.”

I could never hear myself saying this to any of my male friends. In fact, I am sure I would react either defensively or sarcastically if a male friend said this to me. The ladies, however, reveled in it. They felt loved and supported as they found newfound motivation in Pam’s affirmation.

It was another reminder to me that the woman I love speaks a different language of the heart than I do. While my primary focus is on content, hers is on connection. While I am trying to figure out the problem at hand that needs to be solved, she is trying to establish a supportive environment that allows all problems to be solved. Although I am often impatient with the process of connecting, I see the value in her approach. When we speak her language, we are happier with each other, emotionally closer to each other, more affectionate and more cooperative.

If you’re trying to achieve better communication with your wife, try out these tips I’ve learned over the years.

Affirm Her Value

My tendency is to get to the point and stay on the point that interests me. I want us to make mutual decisions and stick to them so our life is more focused and efficient. It is easy for her to get the impression that I value the decision more than her when I do this. If, however, I take time to affirm her as the most important and valuable person in my life, everything that follows tends to be pretty simple.

Embrace Her Connections

Pam’s life is simply more connected than mine. The events of her life are attached to the people she knows, the emotions she experiences, the perceived response she will get, the convictions she holds, her personal relationship with God and so on. As a result, she likes to talk about all the aspects of life that are connected to whatever we are talking about at the time.

It would be “easier” on me if we just focused on one subject at a time but it would be a monologue, not a conversation. When I have the grace to take the journey with her, the end result is consistently better.

Reassure Her Of Your Love

One of the beautiful things about Pam is her unpredictability. Sometimes, we talk and she remains calm and almost analytical. Sometimes she is highly reactive. At other times, she can seem disinterested, only to be followed by enthusiastic support. My words can inspire her to laugh just as easily as make her cry.

When I remind her that I am crazy about her regardless of how she responds, something almost magical happens in our relationship. Tension transforms into trust. Anger switches to affirmation. Panic rolls over in to passion. I don’t know how it happens, but I know it reaches her heart because it speaks her language.

As I was mulling all of this over, Pam walked in the door and announced, “It’s just me.” I blurted out, “No, it is especially you!” Apparently, it spoke to her heart because she dropped everything, gave me a big hug and whispered, “Thank you for that. It made my day.”

Try these tips in your marriage to discover deeper connections with your spouse. And if you’re a wife trying to connect with her husband, be sure to read about how to “Speak His Language.”

You may also be interested in The Secret To A Successful Marriage

Bill and Pam Farrel are relationship experts, international speakers, and Directors of Love-Wise. They have been married and in ministry for 36 years. Bill has experience as Youth, Small Groups and Lead Pastor; Pam as Director of Women’s Ministry; They have written 44 books including best-selling Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti and their 10 Best Decisions series (for couples, singles, parents, grads, leaders, men and women).