How To Create More Intimacy In Your Marriage

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While researching for our books, Bill and I found that a lack of time was the most commonly cited reason for married couples not being intimate with one another. However, what Bill and I have discovered behind closed doors in couples’ counseling session is that the real problem is a lack of desire.

Often, anger and resentment build up a huge brick wall in a relationship. An electric barbed wire fence of offenses can be erected between hearts (and bodies). Much like the wall that separated East from West in Germany, sometimes a sledge hammer is needed to remove these walls so you and your mate can be set free to love again. But it is much easier to deal with the issues as they come up so you can maximize your time together in making love not war!

Watch Out For The “Little Foxes”

In Song of Songs, we get an image of and solution to those little things that erode love and desire:

“Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.”  —Song of Songs 2:15

As couples’ counselors, we have seen evidence of these “little foxes” firsthand. In a real vineyard, these varmints will eat at the roots and, if not addressed, will destroy and kill the plant. In the same way, if we harbor resentments day in and day out, it eats away at our relationship. Bitterness, resentment and anger will evolve into disinterest and even disgust in the bedroom, resulting in little or no marital sexual intimacy.

Forgive Offenses

“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.”  —Col 3:13-14

This verse makes it clear that forgiveness is a choice. So just as you “put on” your clothes one piece at a time, you can put on an attitude of grace and make allowances for your mate’s faults. Take action to “put on” love which will move your relationship from the icy arctic frozen zone and warm it up until it becomes sizzling and sexy once again.

Here are three tips for reigniting the passion and intimacy in your marriage:

  1. Give grace back: Remember times your spouse could have been livid at you and instead gave you grace. Make an allowance for his or her imperfections knowing that you are imperfect, too.
  2. Do something nice: Emotions follow decisions, so when you choose to be kind, your heart follows the action and love is rekindled.
  3. Focus on forgiveness: Life is short; do you want to spend your days arguing or making love? Forgiveness will give you more happy memories with your spouse, including nights of passion.

Don’t let little foxes hold you back from love, happiness and intimacy. Use these tips for a lifetime of “Red Hot Monogamy” with your spouse.

You may also be interested in Romance After The Wedding: Are We Expecting Too Much? 

Bill and Pam Farrel are relationship experts, international speakers, and Directors of Love-Wise. They have been married and in ministry for 36 years. Bill has experience as Youth, Small Groups and Lead Pastor; Pam as Director of Women’s Ministry; They have written 44 books including best-selling Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti and their 10 Best Decisions series (for couples, singles, parents, grads, leaders, men and women).